The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
