apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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