I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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