Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Less talking, more tequila
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Randomize
