im so drunk with asians
where?
always
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
