i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
