update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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