I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
