rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
