I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
