I accidentally had phone sex last night
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
