margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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