The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
