We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
