My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
