Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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