he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
