I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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