Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
