I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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