I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
