i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Hippo gnu deer
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
