I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
