My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Pappa wants mamma naked
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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