I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
