i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
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