I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
