you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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