MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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