I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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