drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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