She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
