Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
