I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I need moral support for this bender
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
