My liver just broke up with me...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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