Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
