my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
