based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
