I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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