someone get that fucking seahorse.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
