I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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