my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
