Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
