i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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