I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
