he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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