i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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