I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
