i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
