he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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