Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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