The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
